My Favorite Drunks

I've been dealing with drunks at my job for 9+ years now. Sometimes they've really pissed me off -- like they have no shame, and no sense of boundaries. Lately I've been thinking they've mellowed a bit. Or maybe I have. Anyway, here are some of my "favorites" from over the years....
* Burger thrower -- One night while my son was at the store working on my beat-up old truck, a guy stumbled in and grabbed an 18-pack foot-locker-sized box of bottled beer. He was stumbling and he could just barely talk. I told him I couldn't sell him any more beer.
"Dude, I can't do this. You're stumbling, & you're probably borderline-public-intox."
"Oh, I KNOW I'm public intox," he mumbled.
"Well, I can't do it," I said.
My son was sitting on the counter behind me, taking a break from working on the truck.
"Well, what's HE here for?" the drunk slurred.
"That's my son, he's working here," I said.
The drunk made a move to go after my son for some reason -- & that's when the drunk's girlfriend dashed into the store, threw an arm around his neck, & DRAGGED him back to their truck.
But he wasn't done yet. Apparently they'd just been to Wendy's, & the drunk started throwing burger parts at the front of the store -- burger and cheese and fries all over the parking lot. Then the girlfriend hit the gas and their truck screeched out of the parking lot. A couple pieces of tomato stuck to the front wall of the store -- over the front door -- for a week or so.
* "Stupid man" --  An older guy, a Regular for awhile, used to come in late at night and beg for change so he could buy beer. One night he came in at 11:59 and took 15 MINUTES to pick out his beer. Even shutting the lights off & telling him we were closed didn't speed him up. Finally he made his decision, slammed the beer on the counter and told me he had no money. "So how you gonna pay for it?" I asked, already at the end of my patience.
He looked me in the eye and said "Do you think I'm a stupid man?"
"I don't have time for this," I said, picked up his beer, held it up above his head, and led him out of the store, him following behind, then I sat the beer can down on a counter outside, and locked the door behind him. And then I paid for his beer.
Thank God, he hasn't been back.
* Sign guy -- One of our most annoying Regulars used to come in a couple times a week and beg customers for change so he could buy beer. All of us who worked at the store threw him out at least once. I tossed him out half a dozen times myself. He had a sort of sense of humor about it, though: One day he came in carrying a portfolio and asked for my opinion.
"I made a couple of signs," he said. "Tell me what you think."
He held up one sign that said NEED MONEY. ANYTHING WILL HELP.
The other sign said NEED MONEY FOR BEER.
I laughed and recommended the second sign. "You'll get WAY more cash that way, I guarantee."
He thanked me and went on his way. I assume the sign worked, because he didn't beg customers for change for awhile.
But he finally got thrown-out permanently one night when I saw him hit-up a kid coming home from Prom for spare change -- and he scared the heck out of the kid. I screamed at him and threatened to call the police. I haven't seen him since.
* Bike guy -- One glasses-wearing guy riding a bicycle came in late one night and almost came UNGLUED when his credit-card company wouldn't OK his 12-pack beer purchase. He was on our phone with them for 20 minutes, yelling and gibbering, and it looked like they weren't gonna budge. They put him on hold and I got distracted by something and went to take care of it -- and when I turned around he was gone, and so was the beer. When I looked out the front door it was obvious he'd crashed his bike somewhere in the parking lot, because half of the cans in his 12-pack were still rolling across the pavement. I retrieved the beer cans, turned them into a 6-pack, and didn't bother calling the cops because I knew they'd never show up.
* Thanksgiving -- One of our former Regulars, usually a pretty happy guy, showed up on Thanksgiving evening, staggering through the front door. He grabbed an 18-pack and wanted $20 in gas too. He was wobbling back and forth in front of the cash register.
I refused to sell him the beer, & told him I wasn't gonna sell him any gas either. "Why not?" he asked. "Because you're staggerin', man. You can barely stand up right now. And you sure as hell shouldn't be driving...."
He shrugged. "You're right," he said. "I'm pretty fucked up. I guess I could have my cousin come to get me...."
He went back outside and moved his truck over to the side of the store away from the gas pumps. I got distracted by other business so I don't know if he left on his own or if his cousin came to pick him up -- but the next time he came in, he shook my hand and said thanks for watchin' out. The only time THAT's ever happened....
* "Bad Day" guy -- I thought the drunks had mellowed, but there have been a couple memorable ones over the last couple weeks. One short dumpy older guy yakked his way through the store saying he had to have a beer 'cos he'd had a bad day. And as soon as he paid for it, he asked if I had $1.50 so he could buy another. "I've had a really bad day and I'm in a really bad mood, man."
Since he was about 5'2" and 120 pounds, I wasn't too worried about angering him. So I told him I was broke -- which I was.
So then he hit up EVERYBODY IN THE STORE and everybody in the parking lot for $1.50. And eventually he got it. When he came back to the cash register he was all apologetic.
"I've just had a really BAD day, man."
"And now you're giving me and everybody else one," I said. "Get the hell out, don't come back. You don't need to be hitting up my customers for money."
"Dude, I just had a REALLY BAD DAY!"
* The Geezers -- This didn't happen to me. Last week the woman who closes the store during my weekends said she was hit-up by a couple guys in their 60s, guys who walked in hammered and should have known better. She threw them out after they propositioned her and suggested a three-way. Also the first time THAT's ever happened....
...And YOUR favorite stories about drunks in action are...?

Just One Victory

Things are better here. It's been a good week.
Had a talk with the Manager, she agreed we could maybe spread the work around a little bit more so I don't feel like I'm doing Everything Myself, and since then I've been a lot less stressed. I even ENJOYED working about 3 nights in a row. It's amazing how much less buried I feel when all my co-workers agree to do just a LITTLE bit more -- like a 5-minute re-stocking trip through the cooler before they go home. I already left a note at work thanking all of them. We'll see how long this lasts.

Meanwhile, though the SITUATION has improved, the weirdness level at work has gone way up, especially since Washington state legalized recreational marijuana-smoking back in December. The number of stoned people coming into the store every night now is really incredible. Some of them are DRIVING. I can't be sure that they're impaired -- but either they understand NOTHING, or their attention is all OVER the place. On Saturday night, I asked one ADHD-type guy straight-out if he was driving, then told him to be careful. And he thanked me.
But he wasn't the strangest. Was it a Full Moon up there above our typical Winter overcast?
About 8 p.m., a homeless-looking methed-out guy -- chewing gum like a possessed zombie -- spent half an hour in the restroom ... but he gets bonus points because he DIDN'T mess it up. God Knows what he was doing in there. But when he came out, he gave me a hard time because we didn't have any hot food available -- something we haven't done for years. Then he took his odd-looking, emaciated, tattooed, backpack-wearing self & walked off, chewing gum a mile a minute all the way....
He wasn't even the weirdest. After 11 p.m., a young drunk guy came in, thankfully not driving, but walking around outside in under-40-degree weather, in nothing but a light coat & no hat, complaining about how cold it was.
And he was HAMMERED. He reeked of beer, could barely stand up, was wobbling back and forth from one foot to the other. Luckily, he didn't want to buy more beer. In the space of 10 minutes I sold him two packs of the same cigarettes -- he forgot he'd bought the first pack, but I wasn't going to argue with him -- plus a $5 scratch ticket ... then DEMANDED something hot to drink to help him keep warm. But he didn't want coffee or hot chocolate.
"The last time I drank coffee, I was in the Amazon," he said. "I don't do coffee anymore."
I agreed it wasn't the Amazon outside, & I POURED HIM a cup of steaming hot water out of the coffee machine -- & I warned him it was steaming hot.
And he promptly burnt his mouth on it.
"Are you KIDDING me, dude? I mean, REALLY?!"
"I told you it was hot...."
"Dude, you're crushing me, man. You've got to be kidding."
I asked him what he was talking about as he got progressively more agitated.
"I just want to go HOME," he said. And he started CRYING....
He'd been talking on his cellphone outside the store.
"Are you trying to track down a ride?" I asked.
"Yeah, well, I thought I had a ride, but I guess getting a ride ain't that easy around here. ... Is this Port Orchard? ... It's Friday night, right? ... Oh, Dude, you're just crushing me, are you kidding...? ... Did I lose my hat?"
"You weren't wearing one when you came in."
And he took his cup of hot water and left, stumbling off into the night.
There aren't that many stable people out after about 10 at night anymore, especially on weekends. Must have been a Full Moon. The best drunk I've seen in awhile. I've got to do a post on drunks someday soon, God knows we get enough of them....

On the down side, gas prices here have gone up 50 cents per gallon since the end of January. I've heard that in some parts of the country, prices have gone up 70 CENTS in 3 weeks.
As of Saturday night, we were at $3.89 for a gallon of Regular gas -- up 10 cents from Friday. Our national competitor across the street from us is a dime less per gallon, & the cheap nationwide chain across the corner from us is 20 cents less. Dropping beer & cigarette prices boosted business for us a bit, but we can't control gas prices.
...But I don't want to hear any whining until we break the old Record Price, which is $4.59 per gallon for Regular, set back in the brutal Summer of 2008. Remember those days? Let's not go back there again, OK?